Paralyzed By Perfection

So, it's already January 21st, and I realize that I haven't posted a blog entry on either of my blogs since November 30th.  I've been contemplating why it's taken me so long to feel motivated to write as of late.  Some if has to do with the crazy fall we had, and then we moved into Christmas, New Year's and birthdays.  I have a few "rough drafts" saved, but nothing compelling...no motivation until today.

Do you know the old saying that says "work before you play"? This is the concept of getting all your work done before you relax or rest.  Well, I'm realizing that I know how to take this to an extreme.  I often make sure my entire house is clean from top to bottom before I'll sit down to eat lunch or play with my kids.  All the nooks and crannies of my closets must be clean and organized before we'll have someone over for dinner.  Every item on the to-do list must be checked off before I will sit down to watch the latest episode of "The Middle".  This is why I'm almost six years behind in my scrapbooking.  I don't have time because work always trumps play.

This is a great trait to have in some areas, but it's also terrible in that I have to force myself to play with my kids - really play with them.  I love playing board games, but pretend is really hard for me.  Caris is helping me in this area, because she has a wonderful imagination and it forces me to play.

Perfectionism is a struggle.  The pressure to be perfect hits from all sides - reading all of the whole food blogs, facebook, and pinterest.  The enemy of comparison makes us feel like we're never enough.

I'm never a good enough:

           Wife...
           Mom...
           Daughter...
           Friend...
       
Because I don't:

           Homeschool
           Give my kids homemade birthday parties
           Have a blog that lots of people read and follow
           Adopt
           Write a book
           Eat a 100% organic, unprocessed food diet

So, there you have it - my struggles and feelings of inferiority.

When Toby goes in for surgeries, especially when they are planned in advance, I go through this really strange bear-hibernation mode.  The week before the event when I could be freezing meals, making calls, cleaning house, I'm paralyzed and don't want to do anything but nap and vegetate.  It's almost like I go into this survival mode where I have to conserve all my energy and brace myself at the wheel before the chaos hits.  This tendency of mine is where I thought up the name of this blog - "My Life as an Oxymoron."  Most people wouldn't even guess that I can be this way.  I'm paralyzed by perfection - either give it all 100% or nothing.  Go hard or go home!

God is teaching me how to function in the chaos of our lives.  I have felt small victories on those "feel like doing nothing days" when I take the time to play with my kids, do laundry, and plan a meal.  He's also showing me that the path He has for my life is different than anyone else - even close friends who are also special needs mommies.  My path is different; it's the one that He has chosen for me. I need to stop comparing and do what He has called me to do.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent", Eleanor Roosevelt said.

Several years ago God gave me this verse in II Peter 1:3

"seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence."  

As a child of God, He has given us (me) His power to do what we He has called us - in that it pertains to life and godliness, and it's His calling.  In many ways it's a battle of the mind and heart to stop comparing self to others, and get on our knees to find out what God has called us to do.

Could it be homeschooling?   Possibly
Could it be to write a book?  Possibly
Could it be to be the wife and mom He is calling me to be?  Definitely yes...and that's where the time on my knees comes in.  He's calling me to find out what His plan is - not to be paralyzed by perfectionism - the need to have everything perfect before I can function.  He wants me as the broken vessel to function even when my clay pot is full of holes.

So, my new challenge is something called "Hello Mornings", started by the ladies at Inspired To Action .  Hello Mornings is a way to encourage Christian women to  have the habit of waking up early to experience quality time with God, intentionally planning their day, and exercising.  Right now there is open registration for  a new winter challenge, complete with accountability groups and a Bible study.

Ever since I went to a woman's retreat in the fall, God has been calling me to be more intentional in my role as a child of God, wife, and mother, and this is helping me do that.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I LOVE to stay up late and sleep in.  My nice warm bed is often my favorite place to be, and so getting up at 5:30 a.m. is difficult, but God is giving me His divine power to do this. I have already started, even though the challenge isn't official until January 28th, and the days I do, I feel wonderful.  My afternoon times when the three boys are in school and Caris is napping, I have more time to get other things done, and maybe even one of these days...scrapbook!