Insecurity

Conor didn't make the team.
So, what does that have to do with me?

A lot.

I'm upset about it - ranting at my husband, how is this fair?  He's only in fourth grade and he got cut from a team. Later tonight I went for a run, and began to pray.  I'm feeling overwhelmed today by Toby's surgeries coming up, and now this - rejection.

I begin to ask myself, what's the deeper issue here?  Why am I so upset about this (even more upset than Conor)?

It's rejection, and I feel it - personally.  I'm not good enough.  My son isn't good enough.  Instead of trusting that this is part of God's bigger plan, I'm concerned about myself and being left out. I feel rejected because Conor wasn't chosen.

Then, I remember our pastor's message from a few weeks ago about a godly woman  "Don't place your hope in outward things in outward beauty - in acceptance from others.  He spoke about when a godly woman speaks wisdom comes from her mouth.  (Ouch!  That certainly wasn't coming out of my mouth earlier today).

The bottom line was none of this was a personal attack, and my value shouldn't from that anyway.  My value comes from God.  He created us - He created me.  Over the past week the Holy Spirit has been whispering to me in little ways to get my value from Him.  I have been seeing it in little ways, especially when I find the need to make excuses to others about something they may not accept me for.

For instance..

Even when I'm tempted to say to a friend that stops by the house, "Don't mind me, I didn't take shower this morning or put make-up on, and I have more acne on my face than a sixteen year old. I usually don't look this bad!"

The Holy Spirit whispers, "Don't, it doesn't matter what they think, your value doesn't come from your outward appearance."

Even when I'm tempted to cover up my running shirt in the midst of a crowd of people because my fat is hanging over the edge.

The Holy Spirit says, "Don't, it doesn't matter what they think, your value doesn't come from your outward appearance."

Even when I'm tempted to chew somebody out because our son didn't make the team.

The Holy Spirit says, "Don't, his value doesn't come from making the team - and neither does yours.  I love you just the way you are, and maybe I have something else planned for you."

As I was running this wonderful song came up on my ipod by Building 429 called "Love Has Been Spoken"
I highly recommend you purchase it and download it.  The words that stuck out to me the most were this:

"Fearfully and wonderfully made.  Don't you know that you and I we're not a mistake.  Oh, if you could only see His arms are wide open.  Oh, it's okay to be humbled and broken.  So, let your heart be free because love has been spoken.  Love has been spoken."

It's okay to be humbled and broken.  God's plans are so much better than anything I could come up with on my own. I'm not exactly sure what is next, but in the mean time I'm working on listening to the Holy Spirit's still small voice speaking His truth into my soul that my value does not come from outward things.  I don't need to worry about what others think.  My value comes form Him.

He loves me.
Unconditionally.
Eternally.
End of story.
Love has been spoken.